Archives for posts with tag: growing up

Good God, I am tired.

And at 21 years old, I’d seriously never thought I’d be so tired. Tired of what, you say? Tired of people making you feel odd for turning a pale-like color when they ask you the infamous question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Well, first of all, THAT IS THE WORST FUCKING QUESTION.

I am not even in the slightest bit grown-up. Like, if I died tomorrow and the 10 o’clock news mentioned my age, every person in the world would be like, “How awful. She was just a kid.” Even when 30-somethings die, my parents are always like, “That’s sad. He/she was just a kid.” Because, essentially, I still feel like I am a child. Not like an infant who is still trying to grab mom’s boob, but like a kid who is just unaware of everything this life has to offer. And externally, I do not act like a child. I understand the importance of always carrying yourself very professionally, and I’ve been told many times that I am very mature for my age. However, internally, I feel like a 14-year-old girl forced to wear heels to her first formal event and stumbling so embarrassingly with everyone telling her that she needs to learn how to walk properly.

The other day, I sought an old acquaintance’s help on getting in contact with internship positions that she’s had previously and hoping to get in contact with them to secure something for the upcoming fall semester. I sent her a very informal message (Hey, girl!), attached my resume (Please skip over the fact that my GPA hasn’t been updated in two years) and asked her to get back to me when she could because she’s currently living out her dream; traveling and getting paid for it. (You go, Glen Coco) However, because she’s someone who is constantly advocating the “follow your passion” tagline, she asked me a series of questions before giving me any concrete answers as to who she’d put me in touch with.

First question: What kind of position were you looking for?

(Doggy, Missionary, Woman-on-top) I DON’T KNOW. I kind of just froze. I’m majoring in marketing, so I gave her a list of some sub-fields in marketing like branding, social media, advertising, community management, etc. (Phew, dodged that bullet.)

NOPE.

Second question: What’s your dream job?

(Holy shit, holy shit. Why are you the job devil?) I kind of lol-ed when she asked me that, and then silently cried inside. I swear, when people ask me that, it changes every time and every single time, the answers become more and more absurd. A few years ago, when I entered my freshman year of college, it was like, “I want to become a marketing executive.” It was simple, clean and to the point. I had no idea what the hell that title encompassed, but it sounded pretty legit and I supported it for a few years. Now, entering my senior year of college, the answer is like, “Hmm, some shit where I get to write, and do social media, and throw in some marketing and some saving diseased children and I’M GOOD.” And then afterward, when people are like WTF, I kind of just wriggle my arms in the air saying, “I don’t know, HAHA” repeatedly until they walk away. My point is, I have no idea.

My dream jobs are usually influenced by life events. When I saw animals being mistreated while watching Animal Cops on Animal Planet, I was so convinced I wanted to be Annemarie Lucas. I then became so involved in the recent Obama campaign (aka, bashing Mitt Romney via Twitter and sending shout-outs to Obama for Obamacare) that I thought I wanted to become some type of politician or field member for the Obama administration. My aspirations change every day and although that may seem cool, it is extremely frustrating and it sucks to have people look down upon you because you’re unsure of what you want out of this life and what really drives you.

Oh, so you thought the questions were over? HELL NAH.

Girl came back with a vengeance and asked me the third and final question: Where do you see yourself in ten years?

(I literally and figuratively threw in the towel.) I got so nervous that I accidentally pressed some type of emoji on my phone keyboard and it sent. Want to guess what emoji? A cat. And not just any cat, a fucking huge-ass junk food eating, and graphically moving cat that Facebook message has. The thing is taking up half of the screen, so in between our back and forth conversation, is just a cat going ham on some burger and fries. (Fuck you, Zuckerberg) But honestly, that’s my life. A combination of maybe knowing what I’d like to do in the future, and then probably settling on some burgers and fries and a shake with some cat while I figure it out.

And that’s okay. Right? Right. It is, and I know it. I’m so tired of people asking me that question. Half of the time, I spit out some random words like I’m rapping, and then the other half of the time, I’m like, “I don’t know.” Then comes the psychological questioning after that consists of more responses that require me to further strengthen my reasoning of, “I don’t know.” (You people really aren’t going anywhere with this) And what’s even more annoying is that most think I’m rude when I’m like, “Yeah, maybe I like that but I’m unsure.” It’s like you’re all trying to impose your own dreams onto me and I don’t want your baggage or obsession with indie music that makes you want to start a band. I’m happy for those who have it all figured out, but here’s the thing: You probably don’t have it all figured out and that’s great that you think you do, but things change every single day and in ten years from now, where you thought you’d be, you may not be at. And that’s just this crazy thing called life.

So, here’s to all of you who feel inadequate for not knowing what you want to do in life or not having yet discovered a hobby that fulfills you, there’s TIME. There’s always time to explore, discover, start anew and realize what truly makes you happy. Sometimes, the beauty in life lies in this discovery and that journey and not the actual destination.

One of my favorite essays is “Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young” by Mary Schmich. This piece is brilliant in reminding us younger folk to really harness the power of youth, while boiling it down to one simple factoid: Wear sunscreen. However, one of my favorite lines in there is, “Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.” Our lives are constantly changing, and we can either choose to adapt or crumble. Therefore, to know exactly how your future will pan out is quite silly, because, well, you don’t know. If you can format time and manipulate this life to do whatever you want, then a big congratulations to you and I hope I can afford however much that app costs. But to those of us, who constantly get shit on for being so unsure of what our future really has in store for us, don’t worry. Look around you, because chances are, that person next to you is probably feeling the same.

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You guys guessed it. Work sucks!

Therefore, to combat the eternal boredom that I feel almost daily at this job, I like to walk.

Lately, though, it’s been so hot you just start sticking to shit that I’ve refrained from leaving my office and found tranquility by going in the office kitchen and doing a secret stress-relieving dance, (will not put up video for you), however, today’s weather decided to throw us a bone so I went for a walk.

I’m not really a person of experimentation. Old habits die hard with me. Except for alcohol. That, my friends, is always a challenge to see how far I can push my limit between the gaps of “I’m just tipsy” and “Wake that bitch up”, aka, my friends are trying to revive me because I’m passed out drunk in a diner at 4 am. (Okay, so that habit is actually pretty stable). But, I usually have a plan before I set out to do anything. Even something as simple as a little stroll outside my office perimeters. However, lately I’ve been on a “no fucks given” spree and just got up from my desk, grabbed my purse and went for a walk with no idea of where I was going in mind.

Instead of walking where the people were, I walked away from them. Kind of like when a native New Yorker sees Times Square and just starts running in the opposite direction. I just walked, and literally walked to wherever my heart desired. There were so many times where I would stop myself in my tracks and be like, “I should turn around and go back to the office”, but I didn’t, and I’d walk and then discover something new. I’d stop again, look back, convince myself to keep going, and then I’d discover something even cooler than before.

Along the way, I had found my future Carrie Bradshaw brownstone, a coffee-shop that was hidden and so unpopulated that it made me want to just start a book and escape there and a wine shop with such an intricate storefront display that I’d be willing to go in there and listen to some hipster explain the process of wine-making to me. I also came across so many dogs that I quietly squealed at and scared the shit out of the owners when it looked like I was about to dognap them, smiling people, quiet and then loud, pieces of conversations, and then I came across something so worthwhile.

I came across myself, that self that had been missing for a bit.

That self that wasn’t scared of risk, always sought change, and just went with the flow.

As I kept walking, I noticed how much stronger my stride and strut was the farther I got away from my office. I was happier, more confident, more relaxed, and just more of who I was. And when I kept coming across new blocks and street names that left me in awe, it’s like some force of nature was trying to tell me that going out of your comfort zone is not a bad thing, but something worth exploring. Literally.

In these recent weeks, I have thought so long and hard about leaving my internship. I leave the workday so unsatisfied, completely aware that I am not reaching my fullest potential here. But I had a plan, you see. Graduate, get the full-time job at a start-up that was about to hit break-even point, save up enough in a 2-3 year span, quit and do something I like. However, I did not foresee myself becoming so unhappy that I literally dread stepping foot into this office everyday. Therefore, it is my time to leave. And this walk, this walk of essentially “Nirvana”, proved that I shouldn’t be afraid to leave what I know. Because, guess what? If you head into the realm of the unknown, even for just a moment, you’ll discover things that were never made visible to you before.

I had been waiting for some time for a sign to let me know that it’d be okay to leave here, to abandon the post-grad plans that I had for so long, and that was it. Disapproval from my parents is something that is expected, but it seriously burdened me knowing that they would not understand my reasoning for wanting to leave. And now I’m just kind of like, this is my life, I DO WHAT I WANT. Kind of proud of that. Yuck, getting teary eyed. Seriously, I am the worst person with emotions. I cry in private so often, it’s pathetic. But if you cry in front of me, or like want to talk about something serious, I will laugh. It’s awful. Therefore, silently tearing by myself and none of you will ever see my break down. Because I’ll giggle and pretend like it never happened. But it did. Shh.

Any who, (Seriously, who the fuck says any who?), I know I posted yesterday already and I usually wait lightyears in between my postings, but I had to get this off my chest because I’m so ridiculously happy right now. As a matter of fact, right after work I’m going back around that spot to see if I can travel even farther. Even a block further beyond my imagination can do wonders.

Slow down you crazy child, you’re so ambitious for a juvenile. But then if you’re smart, tell me why are you still so afraid?

These lyrics, y’all.

Vienna by Billy Joel has never resonated so much with me until I recently revisited my obsession with this incredible artist. I used to just enjoy this song, not really understand the meaning behind the lyrics. I’d move with the melody being like, “Yeah, you go girl, Vienna”, not really grasping the fact that this song is about a youngin’ getting way too ahead of themselves, not realizing that there is no need to rush this life; Vienna will come for you and that “coming” is the rest of your life.

Because of the collapsed market, because of our need to innovate, because of our desire to jump the gun, millenials have learned that being only one step ahead of the game is not enough if you want to make some type of impact in this world. We’ve programmed our bodies and minds to be flexible when it comes to change and work. I’d like to call us robots, but I can’t just yet because we still possess the need to ask mom and dad for a few bucks every now and then. However, there’s the problem. And you could totally disagree with me, though you shouldn’t because I’m pretty fucking smart, (Kidding, I once got kicked out of a classroom my Freshman year) but when will our generation just learn that sometimes it’s okay to take a step back, and notice what’s right there in front of us? Our fading youth.

“You have four years to be irresponsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You’ll never remember class time, but you’ll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a paper due Wednesday. Spend money you don’t have. Drink ’til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does…” This is possibly one of my favorite quotes said by Tom Petty. “The work never ends, but college does.” This line, short and sweet, really captures the gist of it all. College, an experience that years ago I was so amped for, has turned into a full-time job. With a commute that is emotionally and physically draining, a fully loaded business school schedule with so much group-course work I think I’ve met half the school already, and an almost full-time internship that emails you post-weekday hours, you’d think I have no time to breathe. I don’t. And I’ve still got one more year to finish out my college career without possibly going insane. (Check back with me in a year to see if I haven’t landed a role in the remake of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest)

Slow down, you’re doing fine. You can’t be everything you want to be before your time.

Remember when college was all about self discovery and having fun? Yeah, me neither. The school I go to has students running in and out of the building doors heading to internships, jobs, networking meetings, interviews, etc. Sometimes, I’m just like, “Can we all just sit in the cafeteria and eat while laughing at people we don’t like?” (Don’t worry, we make fun of mean people). But no, no one has the damn time for that, and that is some useful bonding time, folks!

What’s funny about this entire race to the finish line is that I’m totally running alongside everyone else. I’m not that hipster that refuses to join in on the latest trend, mostly because this isn’t a trend, this is a lifestyle at this point, and besides, I hate hipster clothing. But seriously, I’m essentially complaining about this in this post, but I’m doing it.

I’m not realizing that this is the time for me to just be a kid, before I’m really forced to just be an adult and pay for rent on my own and like, cook full meals and shit. (Yes, you Instagram foodies, spinach and your plastic meat don’t count) I need to realize that I’m pretty okay at this point and that I should slow down. I am not going to get to my goal any faster by adding more shit to my plate that leaves room for nothing else, especially my sanity. I’m young, capable, and willing, therefore, I can do whatever. There IS time. There is ALWAYS time. I will amount to something, whether it’s next year or 20 years from now. I’m going to get there and you know why? Because life doesn’t stop for anyone. Time races, and if I spend so much time worrying about the future, I’ll never enjoy the present. And you know when your parents whine to you about how they wish they would have enjoyed their youth more because now their backs hurt basically? Well, yeah, listen to that shit.

But here’s the silver lining, I’m coming to this realization now and so can you. I’ll go out after work, ignore the emails my boss sends me after 5 pm (probably not a good idea but YOLO), hangout with my friends or family, make plans, keep in contact with friends that I fear losing, dream, laugh, try not to think so much about the future, and just live. Let’s learn to not be paralyzed by the thought of the future, and just live in the present. The future will come eventually, just like death, therefore, there’s no need to worry so much about it. Ask older people and trust them when they say, “it’s coming.”

It’s alright, you can afford to lose a day or two.

Before I began writing this post, which took so long and I apologize for the wait my awesome followers (mom and dad), I looked up what the actual meaning of Vienna was, Billy Joel’s interpretation. In a July 2008 New York Times article, Joel revealed the story behind the melody. He was visiting his father in Vienna and while walking around town, he noticed this elderly woman sweeping the streets. Confused as to why a woman of her age was doing such a laborious job, his father interjected, “She’s got a job, she feels useful, she’s happy, she’s making the street clean, she’s not put out to pasture.” Stunned by his father’s response, he quickly retreated back to reality, realizing that old people still have a place in this world, even at such an age. His inspiration came from the fact that we shouldn’t fret about growing old, because we’ll still have purpose and use and meaning, and we’ll have Vienna.

When will you realize Vienna waits for you?