Archives for posts with tag: goals

Midnight_city

I’m currently listening to one of my favorite Pump Up songs; Midnight City by M83. Let me just note that I understand how basic that makes me sound for telling you that I have a Pump Up song, but seriously, I feel like everyone should have a Pump Up song. Now, Midnight City is one of many Pump Up songs I have. (I’ll stop saying Pump Up) But I love this song because it gets me excited about life. It’s like when R.Kelly’s Ignition Remix comes on at a party and everyone feels this inexplicable and embarrassing need to get up and dance and explicitly shout, “After the party, it’s the hotel lobby!” It gets me energized and whenever I hear it, I feel like I’m on a stage and people are cheering and I’ve just accomplished some major feat. This song was particularly special to me when I auditioned for the role of presenter for my college’s Ad Team. I auditioned, got the part, and I remember listening to this song on repeat when I pictured what it’d be like up there, in front of judges and an audience. It was something I had never done before. My point is, this song has been making quite a comeback lately. Let me explain why.

The last time I posted to this blog was a few months before I left my first internship. That was a little less than two years ago. If you don’t want to scroll down through my previous posts, a word to sum up the emotions, feelings, and explanations that were in those posts would be escape. It was the beginning of my career. I scored a great first internship at a startup data company and I was their social media intern. The internship progressed and they kept renewing my position there and eventually my role got solidified there. But here is the clinger: It was a great first internship. I wanted more. I wanted to learn more, see more, do more, and while I am forever grateful for that opportunity that catapulted me into so many more, I knew I had to leave. I knew I had to escape. And, well, I did.

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Fast forward to almost two years later – I went through a series of internships, part-time jobs, and finally landed a full-time position at CBS Altitude Group. It was probably the craziest two years of my life. I left my first internship and just jumped. Two weeks after I quit, I started my second internship at Seventeen Magazine. I was seriously debating saying something like, “and Seventeen taught me so much!” But I’m not exactly sure what FETCHING ENERGY BARS FROM A GNC IN FREEZING WEATHER WILL TEACH ME. I’m not bitter, right? My childhood dreams of working at the magazine publication that helped me with understanding puberty and college and boys shattered right in front of my eyes. I left on bad terms because I quit the internship a week early, unsatisfied and deeply disappointed with what I was learning, or in this case, what I wasn’t learning. Life works in such mysterious ways. Lesson learned, and on to the next one (HOV style) I went.

This is where things really got interesting. (And by really interesting, I mean please stay) I had an internship lined up for the next semester at CBS Altitude Group as a Strategic Marketing Intern. At 21 years old, or really any age, being offered an opportunity to work at CBS is mindblowing. And not like, “of course they’d hire me. I’m the shit.” mindblowing. More like a, “I’m going to shit myself because I thought only people like that really rich kid in my class with connections to his dad gets this kind of stuff” mindblowing. I’m from Rockland County, dude. Shit like this doesn’t happen every day. I worked at J.Crew over my last winter break of college to save up money for another unpaid internship and I accepted. It was the greatest internship. It was there that I found my groove as an aspiring marketing professional. It was there that I found what I enjoyed doing. And it was there that I understood my worth and my place. I finally saw a career path.

The internship ended about two weeks before I graduated from Pace University. That day was full of divorced parents being awkward with each other and my grandmother being disappointed that my fellow graduates didn’t throw their hats up when it ended because sorority girls decorate them with obnoxious jewels, but it was a beautiful day. It was a beautiful day before reality hit. I didn’t have job lined up and I was broke.

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It was a race to find a job because I knew my parents couldn’t support me for much longer. I was interviewing with Indeed.com for a sales position in Connecticut. I went on four interviews just for me to realize that I did not want to do sales or cold-calling, and I did not want to travel to Connecticut every day. I moved on and went to temp at a creative production agency that specialzed in creating campaigns for beauty and make-up products. I honestly have no idea if I got that explanation right. But, I had worked with them before at my first internship and reached out to see what they were up to. I temped, and left about two weeks later when I realized they needed an assistant rather than a marketing person.

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Now, I know you must be thinking that I’m being ungrateful and picky and that I should take whatever I can get. I know. Trust me, I thought about that. I thought that I should just suck it up and accept whatever was given to me. But I didn’t. Life isn’t meant to be lived that way, in any capacity. It could, but I’m on a path to follow my dreams and as corny as that may sound, holding out for something better was the best decision I ever made. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith.

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After about two months of unsuccessful emailing and resume-sending (not a phrase but I’m going with it), I felt like that leap of faith was turning into a jump to my demise. Until I read this incredible fucking book called “Oprah.” I’m kidding. Though, Oprah is a lady boss. I read this book called, “The Power of Who” by Bob Beaudine, a nationally recognized recruiter. If you are reading this and are a college graduate or just someone who is looking for a job, READ that book. It will change your life. The book enabled me to get in contact with CBS Altitude Group again and ask them if they knew of anyone within CBS who could hire me. Well, they did. I interviewed with CBS Television through my old boss, and had an informational interview with my favorite social agency, Likeable Media, through a contact I made while interning at CBS.

Likeable Media wasn’t hiring at the time, unfortunately. But, I did end up having three successful interviews with CBS Television and when I realized that I might be hired, CBS Altitude Group reached out to me and offered me a full-time position. This was a WTF moment. I was torn. But I accepted the position at CBS Altitude Group and started work there end of July 2014. At the end of January, I will have been there for six months. I could finally breathe. Life is good.

And while life is pretty damn good at the moment, the ambition inside of me is asking, “so what’s next?” I’m not quite sure, but I have some ideas and this is what this blog is all about. I want to take you through my journey of self-discovery, but mostly, career self-discovery. It’s so fucking hard for a college graduate to get a job. It’s a struggle, and then you get the job and there’s a learning curve and everyone is so much smarter and you feel less competent and then there’s this self-pity that sets in because you’re not Mark Zuckerberg but you’re at a job so that’s good enough, right? Let’s figure that out together. I want to share my insights, talk with you, discuss my day-to-day, your dreams, my dreams, what drives us, etc. I’m at a time in my life where I feel like Midnight City by M83 is playing almost every day. Career wise, though. Let’s not get my personal life twisted. We’d be here until 2245. I’m just saying that I’m a kid playing in the big leagues in the greatest city in the world (Parisians, back up) and it’s a pretty fucking cool experience. I just want to vent to you, dammit!

We’ll vent about my new Shark Tank idea of creating an in-office coffee IV. Next time, on Serial.

Kidding. (But not kidding because one of yous would definitely patent that shit)

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Good God, I am tired.

And at 21 years old, I’d seriously never thought I’d be so tired. Tired of what, you say? Tired of people making you feel odd for turning a pale-like color when they ask you the infamous question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Well, first of all, THAT IS THE WORST FUCKING QUESTION.

I am not even in the slightest bit grown-up. Like, if I died tomorrow and the 10 o’clock news mentioned my age, every person in the world would be like, “How awful. She was just a kid.” Even when 30-somethings die, my parents are always like, “That’s sad. He/she was just a kid.” Because, essentially, I still feel like I am a child. Not like an infant who is still trying to grab mom’s boob, but like a kid who is just unaware of everything this life has to offer. And externally, I do not act like a child. I understand the importance of always carrying yourself very professionally, and I’ve been told many times that I am very mature for my age. However, internally, I feel like a 14-year-old girl forced to wear heels to her first formal event and stumbling so embarrassingly with everyone telling her that she needs to learn how to walk properly.

The other day, I sought an old acquaintance’s help on getting in contact with internship positions that she’s had previously and hoping to get in contact with them to secure something for the upcoming fall semester. I sent her a very informal message (Hey, girl!), attached my resume (Please skip over the fact that my GPA hasn’t been updated in two years) and asked her to get back to me when she could because she’s currently living out her dream; traveling and getting paid for it. (You go, Glen Coco) However, because she’s someone who is constantly advocating the “follow your passion” tagline, she asked me a series of questions before giving me any concrete answers as to who she’d put me in touch with.

First question: What kind of position were you looking for?

(Doggy, Missionary, Woman-on-top) I DON’T KNOW. I kind of just froze. I’m majoring in marketing, so I gave her a list of some sub-fields in marketing like branding, social media, advertising, community management, etc. (Phew, dodged that bullet.)

NOPE.

Second question: What’s your dream job?

(Holy shit, holy shit. Why are you the job devil?) I kind of lol-ed when she asked me that, and then silently cried inside. I swear, when people ask me that, it changes every time and every single time, the answers become more and more absurd. A few years ago, when I entered my freshman year of college, it was like, “I want to become a marketing executive.” It was simple, clean and to the point. I had no idea what the hell that title encompassed, but it sounded pretty legit and I supported it for a few years. Now, entering my senior year of college, the answer is like, “Hmm, some shit where I get to write, and do social media, and throw in some marketing and some saving diseased children and I’M GOOD.” And then afterward, when people are like WTF, I kind of just wriggle my arms in the air saying, “I don’t know, HAHA” repeatedly until they walk away. My point is, I have no idea.

My dream jobs are usually influenced by life events. When I saw animals being mistreated while watching Animal Cops on Animal Planet, I was so convinced I wanted to be Annemarie Lucas. I then became so involved in the recent Obama campaign (aka, bashing Mitt Romney via Twitter and sending shout-outs to Obama for Obamacare) that I thought I wanted to become some type of politician or field member for the Obama administration. My aspirations change every day and although that may seem cool, it is extremely frustrating and it sucks to have people look down upon you because you’re unsure of what you want out of this life and what really drives you.

Oh, so you thought the questions were over? HELL NAH.

Girl came back with a vengeance and asked me the third and final question: Where do you see yourself in ten years?

(I literally and figuratively threw in the towel.) I got so nervous that I accidentally pressed some type of emoji on my phone keyboard and it sent. Want to guess what emoji? A cat. And not just any cat, a fucking huge-ass junk food eating, and graphically moving cat that Facebook message has. The thing is taking up half of the screen, so in between our back and forth conversation, is just a cat going ham on some burger and fries. (Fuck you, Zuckerberg) But honestly, that’s my life. A combination of maybe knowing what I’d like to do in the future, and then probably settling on some burgers and fries and a shake with some cat while I figure it out.

And that’s okay. Right? Right. It is, and I know it. I’m so tired of people asking me that question. Half of the time, I spit out some random words like I’m rapping, and then the other half of the time, I’m like, “I don’t know.” Then comes the psychological questioning after that consists of more responses that require me to further strengthen my reasoning of, “I don’t know.” (You people really aren’t going anywhere with this) And what’s even more annoying is that most think I’m rude when I’m like, “Yeah, maybe I like that but I’m unsure.” It’s like you’re all trying to impose your own dreams onto me and I don’t want your baggage or obsession with indie music that makes you want to start a band. I’m happy for those who have it all figured out, but here’s the thing: You probably don’t have it all figured out and that’s great that you think you do, but things change every single day and in ten years from now, where you thought you’d be, you may not be at. And that’s just this crazy thing called life.

So, here’s to all of you who feel inadequate for not knowing what you want to do in life or not having yet discovered a hobby that fulfills you, there’s TIME. There’s always time to explore, discover, start anew and realize what truly makes you happy. Sometimes, the beauty in life lies in this discovery and that journey and not the actual destination.

One of my favorite essays is “Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young” by Mary Schmich. This piece is brilliant in reminding us younger folk to really harness the power of youth, while boiling it down to one simple factoid: Wear sunscreen. However, one of my favorite lines in there is, “Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.” Our lives are constantly changing, and we can either choose to adapt or crumble. Therefore, to know exactly how your future will pan out is quite silly, because, well, you don’t know. If you can format time and manipulate this life to do whatever you want, then a big congratulations to you and I hope I can afford however much that app costs. But to those of us, who constantly get shit on for being so unsure of what our future really has in store for us, don’t worry. Look around you, because chances are, that person next to you is probably feeling the same.

You guys guessed it. Work sucks!

Therefore, to combat the eternal boredom that I feel almost daily at this job, I like to walk.

Lately, though, it’s been so hot you just start sticking to shit that I’ve refrained from leaving my office and found tranquility by going in the office kitchen and doing a secret stress-relieving dance, (will not put up video for you), however, today’s weather decided to throw us a bone so I went for a walk.

I’m not really a person of experimentation. Old habits die hard with me. Except for alcohol. That, my friends, is always a challenge to see how far I can push my limit between the gaps of “I’m just tipsy” and “Wake that bitch up”, aka, my friends are trying to revive me because I’m passed out drunk in a diner at 4 am. (Okay, so that habit is actually pretty stable). But, I usually have a plan before I set out to do anything. Even something as simple as a little stroll outside my office perimeters. However, lately I’ve been on a “no fucks given” spree and just got up from my desk, grabbed my purse and went for a walk with no idea of where I was going in mind.

Instead of walking where the people were, I walked away from them. Kind of like when a native New Yorker sees Times Square and just starts running in the opposite direction. I just walked, and literally walked to wherever my heart desired. There were so many times where I would stop myself in my tracks and be like, “I should turn around and go back to the office”, but I didn’t, and I’d walk and then discover something new. I’d stop again, look back, convince myself to keep going, and then I’d discover something even cooler than before.

Along the way, I had found my future Carrie Bradshaw brownstone, a coffee-shop that was hidden and so unpopulated that it made me want to just start a book and escape there and a wine shop with such an intricate storefront display that I’d be willing to go in there and listen to some hipster explain the process of wine-making to me. I also came across so many dogs that I quietly squealed at and scared the shit out of the owners when it looked like I was about to dognap them, smiling people, quiet and then loud, pieces of conversations, and then I came across something so worthwhile.

I came across myself, that self that had been missing for a bit.

That self that wasn’t scared of risk, always sought change, and just went with the flow.

As I kept walking, I noticed how much stronger my stride and strut was the farther I got away from my office. I was happier, more confident, more relaxed, and just more of who I was. And when I kept coming across new blocks and street names that left me in awe, it’s like some force of nature was trying to tell me that going out of your comfort zone is not a bad thing, but something worth exploring. Literally.

In these recent weeks, I have thought so long and hard about leaving my internship. I leave the workday so unsatisfied, completely aware that I am not reaching my fullest potential here. But I had a plan, you see. Graduate, get the full-time job at a start-up that was about to hit break-even point, save up enough in a 2-3 year span, quit and do something I like. However, I did not foresee myself becoming so unhappy that I literally dread stepping foot into this office everyday. Therefore, it is my time to leave. And this walk, this walk of essentially “Nirvana”, proved that I shouldn’t be afraid to leave what I know. Because, guess what? If you head into the realm of the unknown, even for just a moment, you’ll discover things that were never made visible to you before.

I had been waiting for some time for a sign to let me know that it’d be okay to leave here, to abandon the post-grad plans that I had for so long, and that was it. Disapproval from my parents is something that is expected, but it seriously burdened me knowing that they would not understand my reasoning for wanting to leave. And now I’m just kind of like, this is my life, I DO WHAT I WANT. Kind of proud of that. Yuck, getting teary eyed. Seriously, I am the worst person with emotions. I cry in private so often, it’s pathetic. But if you cry in front of me, or like want to talk about something serious, I will laugh. It’s awful. Therefore, silently tearing by myself and none of you will ever see my break down. Because I’ll giggle and pretend like it never happened. But it did. Shh.

Any who, (Seriously, who the fuck says any who?), I know I posted yesterday already and I usually wait lightyears in between my postings, but I had to get this off my chest because I’m so ridiculously happy right now. As a matter of fact, right after work I’m going back around that spot to see if I can travel even farther. Even a block further beyond my imagination can do wonders.